How I Convinced My Wife to Try Sex Toys (And Why It Made Us Closer)

If you’re trying to talk your girlfriend, wife or partner into trying sex toys, it’s important to tread lightly. My wife was nervous and skeptical about using them in our sex life. In fact, I had to figure out a whole new way of approaching the conversation, or she’d never budge. In the end it wasn’t convincing that worked. I stopped dropping hints, picked a relaxed moment, reassured her I was happy with our sex life, and suggested something small we could use together. She ended up bringing it up herself.

In this post, I’ll explain how I brought up the topic, the pitfalls I encountered and the effect it had on our sex life.

This is a personal essay. It describes one couple’s experience and isn’t product testing, medical advice or relationship therapy.

Starting with the same problem as everyone else

At the time, we’d been married for a while and were very happy. I was satisfied with our sex life but wondered if it could be… more. I had no idea what else was possible until I spent some time online. Reading up on toys made me realize there was an entire new world to explore.

It was easier said than done, though. It’s hard to bring up sex toys without sounding like a creepy one-note salesman. The first time I brought it up, my wife tensed up and shut me down. Fast. The same thing happened the second, third and fourth time I mentioned it, in various ways.

Finally, I realized I was approaching it all wrong. The moment never felt right. I needed to pick the right time and setting, assure her I was happy with our sex life as it was, and most of all, make it a conversation and not an ultimatum.

Step 1: Picking the right moment and setting

I stopped dropping hints whenever I could. Instead, I deliberately set aside time to bring it up. That didn’t mean during sex or lying in bed close after. Just while we were chatting, with a glass of wine.

I opened with something like “hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. But only if you’re in the mood,” which went a long way. It was non-confrontational and clear that I wasn’t making this some demand.

Step 2: Her concerns and assuaging them

After that, it was a matter of being prepared for her concerns. When I first brought it up, she took a step back and asked me what I wanted. Was I bored? Looking for something new? Did I want something kinky?

I first allayed her fears that I was dissatisfied. When you ask a partner to try something new during sex, it’s natural for them to assume you’re not happy with what you’ve had up until that point.

Then I made clear that I wasn’t planning to use toys instead of her or as a replacement. I’d wanted to introduce something that we could enjoy together. When she seemed more at ease, I said that it didn’t matter what we chose. We could always try something else.

It also helped that I’d read a bit about how common toys are for couples, so I could talk about it as something lots of happy couples do rather than something strange.

Step 3: Ease into it playfully

Another thing that helped was that I didn’t go in guns blazing with an over-the-top pitch. Instead, we started with something we could use together: a discreet vibrating ring that could be worn during intercourse.

We ordered it together online, laughed about it and didn’t do anything with it for a few days. In fact, my wife opened up the subject herself.

The first time we got it out, we mostly laughed, and it wasn’t an earth-shattering experience. But it was new, different and it opened the door to more experimentation.

What toys we explored together and how they changed us

As you can see, it wasn’t that I convinced my wife to use sex toys. Instead, it was a process of making her comfortable with the idea. And then we both opened ourselves up to new sensations and new ways of having sex. Over time, we’ve experimented with a whole lot of sex toys, both during intercourse and solo play.

I also bought a bullet vibrator with a remote control and suggested she try it in a way we’d never done before. It didn’t take, but it was worth a shot. And from there, she took over. She bought us a body massager, added to the wishlist at our local sex shop and even bought a lube that “enhanced sensitivity.”

Over time, I’ve come to appreciate how much having toys has changed our sex life. It improved the way we talked about it, helped us be more open to trying new things and more experimental. It even made her more likely to suggest things on her own.

The most important change in our relationship was that it bridged the gap between “this is what we’ve always done” and “could we try something new?” It opened the doors to fun and curiosity.

Advice if you’re in the same situation

If you’re trying to figure out how to ask your wife or partner to try sex toys, my advice would be the following:

• Make it about enhancing your sex life, not critiquing or fixing it.
• Don’t spring it out of the blue or right before or after you’re intimate. Choose a quiet moment when you can chat and relax together.
• Start with something small, non-threatening and something you can both try together.
• Browse an online store together. Read the descriptions, compare options and laugh about it.
• Don’t take it as a rejection if it takes time. It will if it’s something new, and that’s okay. The conversation itself is a step toward greater intimacy.

For a step-by-step version of this, with example phrases, see how to introduce sex toys to your partner without awkwardness. For first-toy ideas, see best sex toys for use during foreplay.

Final thoughts

There was never a moment where my wife agreed to try sex toys. It was more a process of letting go of one set of hang-ups and being open to new experiences. We both did it together, slowly. And looking back, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Sex toys are now just another part of our foreplay. As mundane as candles, music or a night out. But way, way more fun.

Editor’s note (October 2026): We’ve made light edits for clarity, replaced a link to a page that no longer exists, and removed an unsourced statistic about couples’ satisfaction. The essay is otherwise unchanged.